Cats (2019) Thoughts..That's All...Just Thoughts

This is how the decade ends

This is how the decade ends

This is how the decade ends

Not with a bang,

But with a meow…

Cats (2019) is an abomination. I don't know where to begin or how. I'll try, but just know that I'm not entirely sure what I just saw or how to digest what happened (mentally and physically). What can be said of Cats is that it is an experience like no other. It's a trip through a surrealistic wonderland where cats are a magical cult that believe in Samsara. Except, instead of focusing on meditation and giving up worldly desires, these cats just need to sing about how great (or crappy?) their lives are, and hope Judy Dench cat, the cat that controls the ascension to rebirth, likes them.

(Note: I refuse to refer to any characters by their name in the movie and will only refer to them by their stage name. The cats’ names in the movie are dumb and the movie is dumb, so there)

(Also note: I will not be posting any screens from the movie because I try my best to not post offensive images on my blog)

I don't really like musicals, but I respect them when they are good. I'd compare Cats to the 1971's adaptation of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, but that would be a disservice to even mention that title in the same sentence as Cats. But it has a similar tune, so to speak. You have a bunch of characters hoping for a chance to be chosen for something supposedly good. The contestants get weeded out and only the one deserving is left for the prize. I think this is what Cats is going for, but the execution went horribly, horribly, awry.

Let's just start at the beginning which is about the first 30 or so minutes of the movie. From what I understand we are meant to follow Francesca Hayward cat, a cat who was abandoned by her owners. She is found by a group of rag tag cats called...Jellicles? They sing about what a Jellicle cat is, but the lyrics of the song literally include the personality/description of every cat I've ever seen in my life. So there doesn't seem to be much definition there. Francesca Hayward cat just seems to want to belong and I guess the Jellicles have an open-door policy, because they just pick her up and this mess of a story takes off. And they don't stop. For the rest of the movie. There's literally no way to catch your breath, it's a stream of consciousness and a who's who of cats. We get introduced to like a dozen cats and instead of expanding on any motives these cats might have as to why they should be reborn, they just basically make their own theme songs. The pacing of this movie is a fever dream and honestly some of the songs I could barely understand because half of the lyrics are just made up words (like the aforementioned Jellicle). Like what was Jason Derulo cat saying the curious cat does? Was Rebel Wilson cat a grumpy cat, a frumpy cat, or comfy cat?

Mental picture: During Rebel Wilson’s introduction song, they CGI'd cockroaches that walk all over a cake for some reason. And the Rebel Wilson cat eats one of the human looking cockroaches. Like why? Also Rebel Wilson cat unzips her fur to change into her dancing costume. Why does she have two coats of fur? Did she eat another Jellicle and then wore its skin? Is she a changeling? What the hell is wrong with this movie?

In the same freakin' barrage of songs, I’m introduced to the villain, Idris Elba cat, and the Judy Dench cat who seems to choose the person who goes to the "Heaviside Layer" - the place where cats get reborn into...newer cats? I guess they get to use one of those nine lives they have. So mind you, all these cats are competing to see who gets to die. They are singing so they can be chosen to die. I’m so confused how this isn’t rated R.

When I normally criticize pacing of a movie it’s usually because it’s too slow or inconsistent. But in Cats – mind you it’s a musical – the movie moves at a breakneck speed. Which would be fine but there’s no plot development whatsoever. It’s like the movie doesn’t get past the intro phase for 80 minutes and then rest of the movie resolves itself in the last 20 minutes. I guess they needed to cram in so many cats and songs about cats into the beginning that they failed to realize they needed to tell story. I literally didn’t know if part of the movie was missing after the first hour because they didn’t stop singing about themselves.

The CGI effects in this movie are creepy, atrocious, and inconsistent. Every character in this movie looks like their souls were trapped inside the body of cat and over time their faces manifested to looks somewhat like their older selves. Think Zordon from Power Rangers, but on a cat. Or think Michael Myers in Cat in the Hat live action movie except much, much worse. The CGI makes everything a bit creepy to look at because they effect reach an uncanny valley where they actually look like DNA spliced mutants. Like somewhere in a lab in Area 51, we have scientists doing this. There is a scene where Judi Dench cat is singing about food for some reason and the characters near her are licking their lips at the thoughts of caviar and fish. But what it really looks like is a bunch of cats waiting to eat the older cat. They all look very devilish and don't look at all playful like they are supposed to. The inconsistency can be seen in a few scenes where the CGI was just not implemented. There is a talked about scene since the movie was released where Judi Dench cat is caught with regular human hands, wedding ring and all, while she’s singing the last song of the movie. It’s the proverbial icing on an otherwise moldy and putrid cake.

Let’s get to the music. There is only one song I like it this entire train wreck and it’s the one Francesca Hayward cat and Jennifer Hudson cat sing together about not wanting to be alone. The much…anticipated…performance of Taylor Swift cat was just not good. I didn’t like how she tried to go between an American and British accent (unless that wasn’t her intention in which case that is also bad). She literally sang a song about…not herself, but the main antagonist of the movie: Idris Elba cat. And mind you, this is an introduction to the villain that is over 50 minutes in the to the film. I couldn’t seem to understand the Rebel Wilson cat song or the Jason Derulo cat. The names were so weird that at first, I was just mishearing real, English, words. But nope, they are just fantastical names for cats that sound like real words. Also why does Idris Elba have magical powers? Why would he want to die if he has magic? What’s his motivation? None of that is explained. And you’re just left with gyrating cats on sets of oversize furniture for 100 minutes.

Sigh, nothing makes sense anymore.

Don’t watch Cats. Don’t pay to watch, don’t watch it for free. Don’t watch for fun and don’t watch it because you’re curious. Just leave it alone. It’s already bombing at the box office and it should live in the fallout of its own making. The thing I really hope doesn’t happen is that this goes the way of The Room and develops a cult following. I don’t want this movie to ever see success now or in the future.

There is definitely more to unpack from this movie, but frankly it’s undeserved. Cat’s shouldn’t exist. There’s no logical reason for it. If anything, it should be a reminder to never do drugs. Remember kids: never do drugs,