Batman v. Superman: A Cereal Review

When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think about is justice. Nothing more in this world plagues me so then the inability to really comprehend the amount of evil that goes on in this world without recompense. How much longer can this go on? How shall I, a lonely human being, be able to carry the herculean task of bringing justice to the world? How can I right all the wrongs that infect society like a disease? The answer is cereal. Well, that's what General Mill's was trying to do.

Growing up, my parents always bought the house hold brand names. So there is little else in my cereal vocabulary besides Honey Bunches of Oats, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cheerios, and Frosted Flakes. Why you ask? There are two answers: A family of six and Costco. So when I was little, I had didn't have the luxury of tasting the cereals that came in small, one pouch boxes. Whenever I asked, my parents would always say I could get whatever cereal I wanted when I made my own money.

I'm now older and on my own, dammit. So I made a stop at Target to pick up a few mundane things. As I made my way past the freezers and baked good sections, I found myself staring at the new Batman symbol printed on a cereal box. I made the logical conclusion that as a Batman fan, I would be doing a disservice to myself to not buy it. So I did. Five bucks. I never knew a ride to hell could be so cheap.

And with that last statement, I have set the tone for this review. Now be patient as I tell the story of how clever marketing and the hype of a movie somehow gave me indigestion.


Just to note: One, I only bought the Batman version of the cereal and two, I'm not a food critic.

Let's start with the good things: The front box artwork is cool. I have to put emphasis on the front because the back of boxes has some of the lamest things I've ever seen on a kids cereal box. There are no games to play or fun facts, it just these stupid nonsensical comparisons between Batman and Superman. When you say Batman is a great fighter but then say Superman is the strongest thing in the world, you've basically created a one sided the conversation. As a Batman fan, they didn't even try to make look Batman look comparable to Superman. The other question is why they didn't even try to begin with?

I wouldn't have been so nit-picky on the box if the cereal tasted good. I wrote about the box because it delayed me from thinking about the actually taste of the cereal. It is not good. Maybe I have a sensitive palette, but to sum it up, the Batman version of Batman vs. Superman cereal tastes like someone farted on strawberries took that essence of that fart into generic Corn Pops (without the sugar). Then they tried to mask the fart with chocolate but only used baking cocoa powder. Every bite is disappointing. The worst part is that adding milk to the cereal makes it worse. I mean what the hell!? The milk makes the cereal a bit more sour and doesn't add any creaminess or anything redeeming. Then to add insult to injury, the chocolate part of the cereal adds no flavor to the milk. So at the end of the meal, there is chocolate milk reward like normal chocolate cereals have. What greets your lips is a taste that is slightly worse than regular milk with a hint of "natural" chocolate.

What a waste.

The actual cereal looks like dog food. Or maybe cat food. I'm not much of a connoisseur of animal food. But either way, it's not something I would look forward to on a Saturday morning while I'm watching my cartoons.

Check out the pic of the actual cereal piece . I mean..what the hell is that? I don't even have the words to describe it. This is not a Bat Symbol. It looks like maybe a spaceship or maybe some scribble or something. I have to try really hard to see a bat symbol in there. It could also look like the top down view of someone's head with a really big nose.

To compensate for the lack of flavor, the cereal is just loaded with disappointment. Each bite just becomes weirder and weirder. The only thought in your head will become I've paid five bucks for this, I have to finish it. 

Maybe the cereal was supposed to simulate how it would feel to be Bruce Wayne. I mean despite the billions of dollars he has, it's tough being an orphan who grew up without his parents. Maybe this cereal is supposed to be symbolic. It's egging me on: Hey, remember your childhood? You want that back? Too bad. The world isn't fair. It sucks and you suck. Now eat this filth and wallow in your own despair.

Yeah, maybe that's what it is telling us.