A Tale of a Barn of Unicorns
I don't know what it is about me, but I have a bittersweet fascination with terrible crafted video games. I don't think its a small feat to develop any type of software. So when a game comes out that fails in most levels of execution and entertainment, I get confuzzled. Sometimes the games are laughable and provide fond memories (i.e. Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing). Others are lazily done and hurt an already established fan-base (Duke Nukem Forever). But the worst games are so mind-numbingly boring that some how they take a mind of steel to complete. There is nothing inherently wrong with the game, it's just bad. It's not fun, it's stupid, and doesn't have any compelling factors to it. There are a lot of games that I could bring up: The Nancy Drew video games, Evolution Worlds, and even some of the licensed Wolverine games. But the story I'd like to share this week is a very special game. This game was actually "gifted" to me on a Steam sale by a very, very hateful person. The game is...
...The Secret of the Magic Crystals...
Sounds fruity, doesn't it? Well, it is. And it took me over 15 hours to beat it. There are many things you don't think are possible until you actually put your mind to it. To spite my friend, I decided to play the game to completion, making sure he was on Skype with me every step of the way. Despite my perseverance the game left a permanent scar in my mind. It is a terrible example of game design as well a terrible game in any aspect whatsoever.
Story:
You get to pick if you are a boy or a girl, but it doesn't change the game other than selecting which colors go in the text window. You start off with the passing of your grandfather. You miss him dearly, but all he left you was his stable. The stable has nothing. Somehow, which still puzzles me, you find that by getting five magic crystals, you can revive your grandfather. But in doing so, you're going to need some badass horses to travel to the ends of the Earth (and then some) and collect some friggin' magic crystals. You need to buy, train, and mate horses in order to breed the ultimate horse capable of proving to the gods that they deserve a magic crystal. I'm dead serious.
The story about the gods and such is never explained to you. It's just how the story escalates. You can't just find random magic crystal lying around on the ground; you have to earn them from "the people in the sky."
The story actually makes some sense, since the horses you breed aren't really horses. You get to breed five different types of "mythical beasts": Unicorns, Pegasuses, Fire Steeds, Ice Steeds, and Nightmares. I don't know why they included Nightmares in a kids game. I guess some 5 year olds would think it's cool? I don't even think boys would ever play this game.
Gameplay:
It would be easy to just say that the gameplay in TSotMC is non-existent. But I can't let this go easily. Magic Crystals game play is abysmal. I don't know how any kid would actually think this is fun. The main objective in Magic Crystals is to obtain five Magic Crystals. To get a magic crystal, you must breed a level 5 horse and complete the necessary quests. You start off with only one level 1 horse and a few hundred bucks. You also have five places to go:
1) The gate - take your horse to run races or do quests for money
2) The barn - cure your horse when it is ill
3) The stable - Your horses' home. You can also take care of your horse to bring its health and spirit up. You also mate your horse here.
4) The training area - max your horses stats so it can mate and create a higher level horse
5) The well - It allows you increase the amount of horses you can hold in your stable.
You are then able to upgrade your areas so they can lead to better options for your horses. Upgrading the gate lets you access higher level quests. Upgrading the barn allows for better apothecary techniques to cure your horse if it falls ill during quests. Upgrading the stable allows for the purchasing of better grooming tools. Upgrading the training area allows for access to higher level training grounds. Lastly, upgrading the well allows you to have more horses. It's apparent that to beat this game as fast as possible you need to maximize your stable size and your quest/training areas.
The problem is you can't beat this game fast. No matter what you do, every action takes forever to do. Even pressing the arrow to move between horses in the menu takes forever. It is pain just to get through the interface...
Horses have stats that don't mean a damn thing except for breeding. From what I've learned, your horses stats are an all or nothing affair. They can breed when all their stats are at max. This means you must train and get an A rating in every training course (there are five different courses). Training is really where the only gameplay is. Training your horses consists of playing the slowest and least responsive version of dance dance revolution I have ever seen. But you have to be near perfect in every training ground. If a horse has 1 point off from max it cannot breed. Which means you have to do a training course all over again to get that stat maxed.
But how do you get a level 5 horse you ask? Well...that's where this game destroys your morale. You have to breed two level four horses with each other who have trained to max to get a level five horse. And same goes for the preceding levels. This means you have to purchase sixteen level one horses and train them all to mate in order to get a level two horse. The max amount of horses you can keep is eight. So it ends up becoming a exercise in terrible, terrible micro-managing. The strategy is to basically create a breeding machine. You take in 7 level one horses, train them, mate them, and the sell them. And after all the training and breeding, you breed a level five horse. You send that beautiful level five horse off on its journey and finally, he comes back with a magic crystal.
And guess what? You have to do it four more times.Why? Because each crystal is associated with a different type of horse. So not only do you have to repeat this process four more times, you have to decipher which stupid description of horse belongs to its respective type of horse. In my play through, I would buy the wrong horse because I would forget that "This colt's ancestors were fearless and wild by nature" were referring to fire steeds.
The game play is tedious and repetitive. It's drawn out and there is no way to speed it up in game.
Music:
No. Just no. This game has only one...one...music track and it loops over and over again (For Reference). It is okay for the first hour. After a while it seeps in your brain and all you think and/or dream about will have this soundtrack. At least it's not Nikki Minaj.
Wrap up:
There are just too many things wrong with this game. It's not that they weren't executed properly (I mean, they work), it's just that the ideas are terrible to begin with. I would like to go a bit more in-depth, but that would just give the game too much credit.
This is the company's first game. But to me, it was an odd choice for them. They are known for creating models and landscapes for AAA titles such as the Witcher 2 and Need for Speed. Why would they focus on a pony game? I guess it be a smart strategy to penetrate the market. But the idea was terrible and for that, Artery studios should feel ashamed. This game may have been given to me out of hateful spite, but there was no redeeming value to playing this. It literally exist to kill time. Grooming horses or training becomes repetitive and not fun after twenty minutes. It sucks when a game is just bad and not "so bad it's good." It's never about the money, it's always about time. A bad game just wastes your time without invoking any emotion. Or worse, it provokes frustration.
I guess the last thing I have question is myself. Why do I put myself through it? I never had to actually beat the game. There was no pressure or deadline. It's not my job to review this game. Maybe it shows how much of a gamer I really am. I don't just stick with safe games, I like delving into the new unknown; even if the unknown is a pile of crap. Or maybe I'm insanely masochistic. Ah well, I guess it'll take a few more terrible games for me to find out...
...The Secret of the Magic Crystals...
Sounds fruity, doesn't it? Well, it is. And it took me over 15 hours to beat it. There are many things you don't think are possible until you actually put your mind to it. To spite my friend, I decided to play the game to completion, making sure he was on Skype with me every step of the way. Despite my perseverance the game left a permanent scar in my mind. It is a terrible example of game design as well a terrible game in any aspect whatsoever.
 |
| What? The UK flag? This is America dammit! |
Story:
You get to pick if you are a boy or a girl, but it doesn't change the game other than selecting which colors go in the text window. You start off with the passing of your grandfather. You miss him dearly, but all he left you was his stable. The stable has nothing. Somehow, which still puzzles me, you find that by getting five magic crystals, you can revive your grandfather. But in doing so, you're going to need some badass horses to travel to the ends of the Earth (and then some) and collect some friggin' magic crystals. You need to buy, train, and mate horses in order to breed the ultimate horse capable of proving to the gods that they deserve a magic crystal. I'm dead serious.
 |
| See? I told you! It definitely caught me by surprise during my play-through... |
 |
| Almost done.... |
Gameplay:
It would be easy to just say that the gameplay in TSotMC is non-existent. But I can't let this go easily. Magic Crystals game play is abysmal. I don't know how any kid would actually think this is fun. The main objective in Magic Crystals is to obtain five Magic Crystals. To get a magic crystal, you must breed a level 5 horse and complete the necessary quests. You start off with only one level 1 horse and a few hundred bucks. You also have five places to go:
1) The gate - take your horse to run races or do quests for money
2) The barn - cure your horse when it is ill
3) The stable - Your horses' home. You can also take care of your horse to bring its health and spirit up. You also mate your horse here.
4) The training area - max your horses stats so it can mate and create a higher level horse
5) The well - It allows you increase the amount of horses you can hold in your stable.
You are then able to upgrade your areas so they can lead to better options for your horses. Upgrading the gate lets you access higher level quests. Upgrading the barn allows for better apothecary techniques to cure your horse if it falls ill during quests. Upgrading the stable allows for the purchasing of better grooming tools. Upgrading the training area allows for access to higher level training grounds. Lastly, upgrading the well allows you to have more horses. It's apparent that to beat this game as fast as possible you need to maximize your stable size and your quest/training areas.
The problem is you can't beat this game fast. No matter what you do, every action takes forever to do. Even pressing the arrow to move between horses in the menu takes forever. It is pain just to get through the interface...
Horses have stats that don't mean a damn thing except for breeding. From what I've learned, your horses stats are an all or nothing affair. They can breed when all their stats are at max. This means you must train and get an A rating in every training course (there are five different courses). Training is really where the only gameplay is. Training your horses consists of playing the slowest and least responsive version of dance dance revolution I have ever seen. But you have to be near perfect in every training ground. If a horse has 1 point off from max it cannot breed. Which means you have to do a training course all over again to get that stat maxed.
 |
| DDR for horses |
 |
| Big, strong, piece of crap... |
And guess what? You have to do it four more times.Why? Because each crystal is associated with a different type of horse. So not only do you have to repeat this process four more times, you have to decipher which stupid description of horse belongs to its respective type of horse. In my play through, I would buy the wrong horse because I would forget that "This colt's ancestors were fearless and wild by nature" were referring to fire steeds.
The game play is tedious and repetitive. It's drawn out and there is no way to speed it up in game.
Music:
No. Just no. This game has only one...one...music track and it loops over and over again (For Reference). It is okay for the first hour. After a while it seeps in your brain and all you think and/or dream about will have this soundtrack. At least it's not Nikki Minaj.
Wrap up:
There are just too many things wrong with this game. It's not that they weren't executed properly (I mean, they work), it's just that the ideas are terrible to begin with. I would like to go a bit more in-depth, but that would just give the game too much credit.
This is the company's first game. But to me, it was an odd choice for them. They are known for creating models and landscapes for AAA titles such as the Witcher 2 and Need for Speed. Why would they focus on a pony game? I guess it be a smart strategy to penetrate the market. But the idea was terrible and for that, Artery studios should feel ashamed. This game may have been given to me out of hateful spite, but there was no redeeming value to playing this. It literally exist to kill time. Grooming horses or training becomes repetitive and not fun after twenty minutes. It sucks when a game is just bad and not "so bad it's good." It's never about the money, it's always about time. A bad game just wastes your time without invoking any emotion. Or worse, it provokes frustration.
 |
| Spoiler: Your revive your grandpa at the end of the game (oops!) |
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